i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
