I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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