this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
