These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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