i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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