You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Randomize
