Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
