I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
