Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
