just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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