Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
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