your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
