Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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