She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
