I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Randomize
