accomplished twins. life is a go
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
