Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I'm at about main and main street
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
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