you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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