I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
