Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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