i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
