my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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