I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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