Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
