Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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