Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
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