i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Randomize
