I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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