the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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