these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
