Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
