i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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