this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
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