I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
