i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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