Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
