the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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