That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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