you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
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