I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize