His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
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