a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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