My sheets look like a crime scene.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize