Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Randomize
