Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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