You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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