I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
