Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
