chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize