I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
