You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
