all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
