The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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