john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
