Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I am one with the molecules
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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