thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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