the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
