He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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