there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
