she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Randomize
