Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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