This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
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