I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
