She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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