i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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