She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
