Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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